Mythbuster #3: [Insert cheesy euphemism for pubic hair]

This is not quite a straight-out Mythbuster, because the truth? I don't know what guys like*. All I know is, I am pretty riled up over the subject of the bikini wax. I'd thought we were finally starting to hit a backlash against the whole 'landing strip' thing, and now Time Out New York has an oh-so-cute little article making it sound de rigeur. HOWEVER, they neglect to actually ANALYZE their own little infographic:

As you can see, 65% of men expect major deforestation...but 65% of women just give their trim a little trim--AT MOST. (Also, way to drop that parenthesis, TONY editors.)

So that's the myth we'll be busting today--the 'everybody does it, I have to do it, if I don't do it I'll be a lonely, unattractive, loserish freak' kind of myth.

It certainly feels that way at times. The media (apparently including you, Time Out) makes it seem like all women have 80-100% of their pubic hair ripped out by the roots once a month, and that this is normal and sensible and cool and that anyone who forgoes this ritual is a wingnut who doesn't take her life seriously. Then I talk to my friends and realize this isn't true. And I look at these numbers and realize it REALLY isn't true. Not everyone does it, it's a choice, and not every guy cares. Okay, some of them care, but they are assholes like this guy:

"A well-coiffed, nice-smelling pussy is a thing of beauty, something we brag about to our friends. After the implicit moment of awe and respect you receive from your buddies, we talk about the girls with nasty boxes—how we fucked them anyway, how it was ugly, how it was tragic, how it will never happen again. On the other hand, a girl with a great-tasting, -smelling, -looking box…that girl is a princess. We wank it to her."

Thanks for sharing, Henry. Clearly, you love women. (BTW: the next, nominally-nicer-or-perhaps-just-less-honest guy ALSO links hairiness to smelliness. They offer no opinion on vulvae that are hairy yet hygienic.)

Do you want to go Brazilian? Awesome. It even looks good on some (read: skinny) people. I myself used to get waxed occasionally--just the bikini line, since I'm NOT skinny, and taking off much more than that makes me look like I'm wearing clothing 2 sizes too small. I started feeling guilty about it, though--about putting myself through pain and expense for this kind of beauty standard. The fact is, I don't know how those women do it, the ones who go totally bare. By which I mean: how do they deal with stubble??? When I wax, it only stays smooth for a few days, and you have to mostly grow it back out in order to get waxed again. So don't women who wax spend like 75% of the time looking gross (and feeling itchy) anyway? Perhaps in light of this, and in acknowledging that the whole thing's an expensive, embarrassing hassle, The TONY article advises PERMANENTLY shearing your "nasty box," laser-style.

Full disclosure? I almost did this. Again, just the bikini line, but still--I was there in the spa-type-place ready to say good-bye to stubble and ingrown hairs (on my mom's dime, no less). As the lovely woman was debriefing me, however, I realized I was fighting back tears. I freaked out, I bailed, and then fortunately it was my birthday so I sang karaoke and got totally trashed and everything was fine. But why the waterworks? I HATE the stubble and bumps at the top of my thighs. But suddenly it felt that, by permanently removing even a little of my pubic hair, I was admitting, officially, that my body was shameful. Despite 25 years of mostly hating my body, suddenly it seemed perfect. I loved it. There was nothing wrong with the hair it grew naturally, the hair that meant I was sexual and adult, the hair that no guy would ever feel compelled to drop a grand on removing from his own body.

Maybe that's stupid. I still shave that hair off when I think anyone's going to be in the area. (Or when I wear a skirt that might be wind-sensitive.) Why do the two feel so drastically, emotionally different? I guess it's the permanence of it. We all like to look our best, especially for our lovers, but we don't wear the party dress 24/7. I think shaving now and then--even waxing now and then-- feels okay because it feels like I'm doing something special. It's not for every day. But since the glossy pages of our culture demand women be perfect at all times (perhaps dating back to the ladies of The Rules telling us to wear lipstick when we take out the trash), that optional, every-now-and-then choice has become yet another Shame issue. Well, I'm taking a stand. I officially DENY that this is required. Because it's not. And guys like Henry can suck my hairy twat.

*In this and all things.