As part of a recent post, I went back and read the Amazon online excerpts of He's Just Not That Into You. As you may remember, I took particular exception to the notion that women should never ask men out because if a man is truly into you, he will ask you out. Always. In a timely fashion. Quoth Greg Behrendt:
Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something." Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.)
As I said in my previous post, this is very annoying because most of the guys I know often DO feel nervous and shy, and generally think that asking a girl out is scary*. (That passage is also annoying because he's like "aw gee, men don't rule the world, we're not that competent!" and then uses men-ruling-the-world to support his argument.) Maybe it's a generational thing--Behrendt is 44--but as I've said, I know many couples in which the girl made the first move, many guys who are gun shy when it comes to the daunting Ask Her Out thing, and many guys who find it very cool when girls get the ball rolling.
BUT. In rereading all this, I seem to have internalized it. Yes, Susan has a crush, and her crush is flirting with her, and her friends are urging her to casually suggest the time-tested let's-get-coffee-sometime. But if he were interested in more than just flirting, wouldn't HE have made such a suggestion? This is sort of a workplace crush, and I am sort of higher-status, but just nominally. BUT STILL. Please give me your thoughts, and be brutally honest.
A little context: he is age-appropriate and may or may not know how hot he is.
*Because they are normal human beings and asking someone out is, in fact, FRICKIN' SCARY.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Internalizing. You know, the way drinking arsenic is like internalizing.
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3 comments:
i think greg is an idiot with stupid hair. as with any relationship, SOMEONE has to break the ice. once it's broken, follow-up is fair game. as someone who often breaks the ice, i do think guys are shy, awkward, and grateful for the help. however, if they don't sac up and return a call or suggest another outing, he's a) not that into you b) lazy, or c) has Harry Potter V.
In summation: ASK HIM OUT TO A CAFFEINATED BEVERAGE. if he says no, you're no worse off than before, and you'll stop obsessing.
I second a request for caffeinated company.
My advice is useless, so this comment is primarily to say that I'm glad you're back after the week off. I missed my Susan fix. But as far as asking the guy out, it's a great idea. As a y-chromosome carrier, I hate having to gauge subtle clues and tiny inflections of voice or body language as the way to determine whether a girl is into me. It's a complicated, unnecessary chore, and often backfires when you're talking to someone who doesn't know how to be friendly without flirting. Being direct is a much better way to get what you want. You could send the little signals out for months and never get a response because so many guys are gun-shy after asking out someone who was giving the signals but wasn't really interested. It's better for you and for society if we end bullshit coquettishness and use language to express desires. Good luck!
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