From The Mouths Of Dudes

Well, the people have spoken. Several of my guy friends emailed me privately (perhaps ashamed?) and assured me that guys, too, obsessively overanalyze emails from romantic/sexual Persons of Interest. No definitive word yet on whether they CRAFT such emails with the same absurd care, but one of these liaisons to the Y Chromosome told me he puts a lot of thought into his text messaging. And I don't know about y'all, but that makes me feel less alone.

Sidenote: I was originally going to title this post, "From The Stallion's Mouth," but it seemed weird and a bit creepy to refer to my male friends as stallions. Though I'm sure they are.

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Gender Is Density

[sic]

While we all know I can be pretty macho, and rebel against stereotypes and whatnot, there is at least one time I am undeniably, lamentably, a total fucking girl: when reading a short email from a guy I just hooked up with.

Yes, rather than spending today being Thankful, I have mostly spent it staring at three sentences on a computer screen going, "WTF does that mean?!?!" I'm sure in reality the meaning of all such emails is perfectly clear*, but those two X chromosomes conspire, like a devil and angel over my shoulders, to drive me mad. Only the angel is kind of a bitch. For example:

Devil X: Cmon, you know you want to email him back. Do it! What if he really does like you, but he's worried you don't like him? Then you'll have missed your chance! Email him!
Angel X: Um, if he liked you he would've tried to see you. But he doesn't. Because you're fat.
Devil X: Maybe that ambiguous phrase he used is a British thing.
Angel X: Maybe you should lose five pounds.

So yeah, that's fun. Love those two.

Seriously, dear readers: do guys not do this? I'm told that they don't, but I thought I'd turn to you for confirmation. Do you withhold your feelings out of uncertainty and fear of rejection? Do you "play it cool" when you feel anything but? Do you reread emails in five different tones of voice to see how many of them the words fit, and harass all your friends over the significance of prepositions and modifying clauses?

Sorry for all the body-hatred, by the way. In fact I think my lack of citizenship might be more of an issue in this case, but why be rational at a time like this?


*"He's just not that into me."

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Tuesdays With Kyle

[Alternate title: "I like to quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."*]

I've been writing back and forth with my friend Kyle, and warned him I would poach from our emails. We were discussing the differences between Second Wave and Third Wave views of sexuality, and I came up with this gem:

The old line was, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Today we might say, "A woman needs a [partner-of-any-gender] like a WOMAN needs a bicycle."

Y'know--women don't really NEED a bicycle, but some women WANT a bicycle and enjoy having one, but if it broke or got stolen or whatever it would alter her life rather than ruin it. And a woman without a bicycle isn't looked at as weird. (Though people think it's weird that I literally don't know HOW to ride a bicycle, which is probably symbolic of something or other.)

Kyle was also more eloquent than I on the pros and cons of "I, Slut" so I thought I'd quote him as well, which will cut down on the self-absorption here:

I love what she's saying, but think it could be carried to its logical and unflinching conclusion: some people may go through an occasional "slut phase" which may be good for them and that should absolutely be their prerogative. Some people may choose to make sluthood a perfectly stable and happy way of life, and there's nothing wrong with that choice either, all things being equal. I just get the feeling that she's sort of still implicitly paying lip service to the notion that being a slut is deviating from some more "normal and healthy" state, kind of like Carnival is healthy, but only once a year. I think that's absolutely true for some people, but [The Ethical Slut authors] Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt might not agree with the sentiment.

Well said. I have never actually read The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. I do know that the authors define a "slut" as "a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." Which sounds pretty keen. Personally, consensual non-monogamy (aka the "open relationship") is not something I'm looking for, but I admire the people who make it work.**

Hooray for emails that get those blogger juices flowing!


*(George Bernard Shaw)
**When it's actually an open relationship and not just a guy saying, "I'll jerk you around while I screw other people."

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