From The Mouths Of Dudes

Well, the people have spoken. Several of my guy friends emailed me privately (perhaps ashamed?) and assured me that guys, too, obsessively overanalyze emails from romantic/sexual Persons of Interest. No definitive word yet on whether they CRAFT such emails with the same absurd care, but one of these liaisons to the Y Chromosome told me he puts a lot of thought into his text messaging. And I don't know about y'all, but that makes me feel less alone.

Sidenote: I was originally going to title this post, "From The Stallion's Mouth," but it seemed weird and a bit creepy to refer to my male friends as stallions. Though I'm sure they are.

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Gender Is Density

[sic]

While we all know I can be pretty macho, and rebel against stereotypes and whatnot, there is at least one time I am undeniably, lamentably, a total fucking girl: when reading a short email from a guy I just hooked up with.

Yes, rather than spending today being Thankful, I have mostly spent it staring at three sentences on a computer screen going, "WTF does that mean?!?!" I'm sure in reality the meaning of all such emails is perfectly clear*, but those two X chromosomes conspire, like a devil and angel over my shoulders, to drive me mad. Only the angel is kind of a bitch. For example:

Devil X: Cmon, you know you want to email him back. Do it! What if he really does like you, but he's worried you don't like him? Then you'll have missed your chance! Email him!
Angel X: Um, if he liked you he would've tried to see you. But he doesn't. Because you're fat.
Devil X: Maybe that ambiguous phrase he used is a British thing.
Angel X: Maybe you should lose five pounds.

So yeah, that's fun. Love those two.

Seriously, dear readers: do guys not do this? I'm told that they don't, but I thought I'd turn to you for confirmation. Do you withhold your feelings out of uncertainty and fear of rejection? Do you "play it cool" when you feel anything but? Do you reread emails in five different tones of voice to see how many of them the words fit, and harass all your friends over the significance of prepositions and modifying clauses?

Sorry for all the body-hatred, by the way. In fact I think my lack of citizenship might be more of an issue in this case, but why be rational at a time like this?


*"He's just not that into me."

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Friday Opinion Poll

True or False:

-Guys are pickier about the attractiveness of people they date than about the attractiveness of people they just hook up with (because whatever, it's just one time).
-Whereas girls are pickier about the attractiveness of hook-ups than about the attractiveness of people they date (because if you're actually dating someone, personality and such things are also factors).

?

Discuss.

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Susan B's Words To Live By: No Girl-On-Girl Crime

I have nothing but derision for women who say they don't like women. I hope I don't need to explain why--basically, in addition to being insulting because it means they don't like me, it means they are not interesting people, and spend their time sucking up to the male gender because that's who they want to fuck, and they're fooling themselves about why. To say "I don't like women" is to buy into the notion that male=good, female=bad,* and of course it's to buy into assumptions about what constitutes male and female behavior to begin with.

My general theory on, well, everything, is that EVERYONE is pretty lame**, but we notice certain behaviors and ascribe them to whatever gender is relevant to our sexual orientation. For example, a straight girl is going to have relationships with boys, so if her partner is a jerk, that means boys are jerks. And if the same girl's female friend goes after a boy she likes, that means girls are disloyal. But if the genders were reversed, I imagine a straight boy would feel the same way about girls and boys, respectively.

With me?

I say this because I'm about to talk about loyalty, but I want you all to know that I'm not saying This Is How Girls Act. This is how some, not most, people act, and the ones I'm talking about are girls because that's who I'm in "competition" with. I don't know how boys act amongst each other, but I do know that "women are bitches who only like jerks" is as common a notion as "men are jerks who only like bitches." Equal-opportunity bitterness.

But. I will tell you how to be a better girlfriend (as in, to a girl). Today's twin wise-sayings, ready for your implementation:

-If a guy treats your friend badly, and acts like a career jerk, it is your job to shun him.
-If a possibly cool guy is potentially interested in your friend, it is your job to cheer them both on.

Which can really be boiled down to one, all-encompassing commandment:

Help a sister out.

Seriously. I feel that I have always been the kind of friend who wants my friends to be happy, and if this means them getting together with a guy, I will do my best to help. There are totally loving friends out there, of all genders, who WILL NOT DO THIS. I don't get it. I don't want to get it. I just want to say that it is time for this to stop. As I've said--karma works between lifetimes, not within, so we have to do the work ourselves. Justice must be served!

So get out there and serve some fucking justice already. Jeez.


*I should definitely post on Girlie Feminism soon, because it's an important thing to think about and I wish I'd discovered it sooner. So, uh, remind me.
**Okay, fine, has the capacity to be pretty lame.

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