I've been particularly achy lately, mostly in the neck and shoulders. Recently, as I lay on the sofa, my cat decided she wanted to knead the upper part of my chest--far preferable to her usual, painful practice of kneading my belly fat--and I realized the culprit was my breasts. They're pretty large, after all, which can take its toll, and the cat paws had found, below the breast itself, chest muscle that greatly appreciated the massage.
After sort of idly massaging the area myself for a few days, a bold idea occurred to me. I took out my plug-in "all-body massager" and decided to use it for--GASP!--a body massage. As I moved it across my chest, down and around my sternum, and under my arms (not the pit, but the area a bra covers), I wondered with annoyance if the thing had gone soft from years of focusing solely on the aches between my legs*. I had to press pretty hard to feel that it was doing any good. While I knew I was finding the sore muscles--because it hurt--I didn't think it was actually helping, so I gave up. Not very satisfying.
And then today. UGH. I've made things TEN TIMES WORSE. All those muscles are sore and my breasts feel like they weigh about 35 lbs. each. My sternum is so sore to the touch I'm surprised I didn't bruise it.** I wore a sports bra all day and now, in my pjs and reading, I have to lie flat on a big pillow for some support. Can't someone just build me a nice shelf to put them on? I'm very fond of them but right now they might as well be lead balloons.
So, ironically, I used my vibrator in its official, packaging-touted function and it totally backfired. It will have to stick to massaging my clit, and forget about this "all-body" nonsense. I suppose it's just as well--I can get massages from my friends and family*** far more easily than I could a hand job, which is very much as it should be. And if it comes down to a splurge, I'd rather pay a masseur than a prostitute. Masseurs are fully trained.
*Which are definitely what you'd call "recurring."
**Though I do have a little almost-hickey on my right breast, which I'm pretty sure is not from other activities.
***And cat, apparently!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Do NOT Use As Directed
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Babes In Babeland
[OK, that is a lame post title, but it's hard to out-pun a pun.]
Following closely on the heels of my latest girl fest, this weekend I went on my first group sex toy shopping trip. Yes, Babeland, aka the happiest place on earth, was having a 20% off sale at ALL its New York stores, and on Sunday I went down to SoHo with a group that included veteran vibratorers and first-time shoppers alike.
OMG, why had I never done that before?
True, the first time I ever went to Babeland I brought my sister, which I thought made me a very cool older sibling, but this was the first time that I actually went with a group of people all intent on buying things, all happy to compare appliances and weigh issues of size, speed, and design together. I definitely snuck up on someone with a buzzing plastic beaver to the shoulder, and when your roommate is willing to sample edible oils off your forearm, you know you're in good company*.
Lately I've been realizing/remembering how wonderful it is to share my sex life with my friends--actually share WITH, as opposed to going on about my own stuff on this blog. Sometimes, I'm ashamed to say, I forget how cool and vibrant and in charge my friends are. They're a fun bunch. And in the spirit of my last post, this goes for boys, too--I love having guy friends I can talk openly with about sex (as I did last night over drinks and gyoza on the LES).
So to those of you playing along at home: I HIGHLY recommend buying sex toys with your friends. It's a bonding experience, a fun way to spend an afternoon, and a good way to profit from the opinions and experiences of others.
I couldn't find what I actually bought online, but here's my very first [official] vibrator, which I still use and which I did not see at Babeland on Sunday. Fortunately it's still on their site:
*They were all kind of gross, but the Chocolate Raspberry beat out the Blackberry Creme.
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