My people, of course, being third-wave pro-sex feminist women. I say specifically women because, well, this post is about my vagina. Namely: the fact that I don't know it that well. My vulva and I are good friends, but the inside stuff is more of a mystery.
This came to my attention recently because my roommate uses Instead cups rather than tampons*. She offered me some to try, and, at least six months later, the box is still sitting on my dresser, untouched. Frankly, I'm afraid that if I use one I won't be able to get it out. I mean, Carrie Bradshaw's diaphragm got stuck once, and she's used to using one!
I admit it, I'm a little squeamish down there. I masturbate a lot**, but I generally use vibrators or massage shower heads or that Vibrance razor I once bought because I was going on vacation and that's all CVS had left***. I also usually use some sort of penetrative device (I hate the word "dildo"), but I rarely use my fingers. My hand simply does not arouse me--plus it's hard to focus on giving pleasure and receiving pleasure at the same time**** and it distracts from the process worrying about my own prowess. No one wants to worry they're bad in bed while they're in bed with just themselves.
It's a chicken-and-egg thing: do I not masturbate with my fingers because I'm squeamish, or am I squeamish because I don't masturbate with my fingers? Whichever the reason, it makes me feel kind of bad. I'm supposed to be a proponent of vagina power. And I am. But a Good Feminist should know her own anatomy, right? Female genitals are, culturally, regarded as very mysterious--a sort of sexual Rubik's Cube. And it's true I get off pretty easily, and only need to explain so much to my gentleman callers, but what about my lady callers? If I don't even interact directly with my clitoris that often, leaving it up to something inanimate, how do I effectively please a girl?
In short, and to be blunt, I wish I were more comfortable sticking my fingers inside myself. For reasons both practical and theoretical. Perhaps that will be my Second Half of the Year's resolution.
PS: I know I haven't posted in forever. I tried to make up for it with extra footnotes.
*She gave me permission to say this on my blog. Though that was awhile ago so I hope she remembers.
**You're shocked.
***It worked! Though it required some will power. I removed the blade, obviously.
****The 69 position? Overrated. Not bad, just a little silly.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
A Traitor To My People
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Mythbuster: U.S. Off Of My Clitoris!
I just now went on a bit about Betty Dodson. One aspect of her Bust column that particularly irks me (other than an aforementioned anatomical nick-name) is her dismissal of vaginal orgasms. Maureen Dowd, too, talks about women trying to have "male orgasms"--ie, vaginal orgasms, achieved purely through penetration. Dodson, more so than Dowd*, seems to have flipped things over, implying that if vaginal orgasms are "male," clitoral orgasms are "female."
I'll tell you a story. Freshman year I separated my shoulder (yay rugby!) and went to the hospital. I think this put me on some kind of list. Two separate times, I got a call from a man claiming to be from that hospital, wanting me to be part of a Kinsey-esque survey about my sexuality. Honestly, I have no idea if he was legit, and he said one or two things that seemed unprofessional or weird**. But I realized I didn't much care--you may not have realized this about me, but I don't mind talking about sex. (I have to actually think someone is interested, but if there's no fear of TMI I can go on about such things forever.) One thing annoyed me, though: he made me choose between clitoral and vaginal stimulation. At first I refused to make Sophie's Choice, but he pressed and I reluctantly had to go with clitoral. Which I guess is true IN THAT I can get off from solely-clitoral play more reliably than solely-vaginal play. BUT I think I maybe prefer penetration, once I've been warmed up. (TMI? Just checking.) On the subject of how to tell a guy how to get you off, one Six Feet Under character put it pithily: "Lick my clit while you finger me." And few people can argue. But how many women are content to stop there? Don't most straight women still want some train-in-tunnel action?
Thus, the myth: that ANY kind of orgasm is superior to ANY OTHER kind of orgasm. So, it's a myth that, in every case, oral pleases the woman while penetration pleases the man, and it's a myth that a woman who can't come from penetration is somehow sexually remedial. Come on, people, we gotta depoliticize this shit. One of the reasons feminists tend to hate on Freud is that he derided clitoral arousal as neurotic (his thinking being, the clitoris is like the penis, so women who prefer clitoral stimulation just haven't resolved their penis envy). But is it any less tyrannical to flip that around?
To return to Bust, every issue contains a "One-Handed Read," ie a short piece of erotica intended as masturbation fodder. Sometimes, these stories involve a man going down on a woman and asking nothing in return. Which is the fantasy of many, to be sure, but it leaves me cold. "Needs more cock," I say to myself, as though tasting a soup. I mean, I've got lady parts on hand at all times--have clit, will travel. If you're painting me a word-picture...you gotta throw me a bone.
(Badum-ching.)
*Quoth Maureen, "I think it took a really long time for women to realize that the superior kind [of orgasm] is the kind you can actually have."
**For example, upon learning I masturbated regularly, he concluded that my sex life "wasn't doing it" for me. Which is bizarre coming from a guy--don't y'all famously masturbate no matter what? And I believe statistics show that people in relationships jerk off more than single people, regardless of gender, so you'd think someone doing a survey would know that.
Posts
