I'll cut to the chase: recent events have brought out my gay. I have realized over the course of the past few months that I am more bi than I gave myself credit for. And I am seriously craving some lady action*. Sapphic novice that I am, I have made very little headway, and before I start negging and demonstrating value and wearing fuzzy hats, I thought I'd check out the W4W section of craigslist. That is where I shattered my own preconception...
Myth: Lesbians on CL are classier than straight dudes on CL.
Not so, my friend. Case in point, the post that is right now at the very top of the page, in its entirety:
"im goin 2 make this short and sweet i want to have a good clean time with a sexy femme wit nice big tits. i am 20 years old my body type is barbie/model and im very freaky, DISEASE FREE AS U SHOULD B AND i love women and love pussy!!!!i want 2 meet up 2nite so if u wanna play email tag and nothing more please dont waste my time.NO GAMES,NO MEN.PLEASE NO MEN!!!please b able 2 host!!!!"
Yes, like their straight counterparts, lezzie CLers are addicted to abbrevs, ALL CAPS, and model-esque physiques. They also like to post photos of their butts. Ok, some of these ads were probably posted by straight dudes POSING as lesbians, but it can't be ALL of them.
So, my apologies to all demographics involved. Lesbians are people too--and people make asses of themselves on craigslist**.
Of course, there are still many fine ladies posting ads written in full sentences that made them sound like actual people. I found myself extremely turned on by a post titled "Music? Zines? Feminist? Looking for a Riot Grrl. - 24 (East Village)," by a self-described "cute punk boi," which included the sentence, "My pants have paint stains." If I were remotely cool enough, I'd have replied in a second.
Girls are so intimidating.
*Add to this my waning interest in the opposite sex, which has been going on far longer--to borrow from Tracy Letts, it seems that I don't believe in guys, as though they are something to be disbelieved.
**Sometimes literally, what with the butt photos.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Mythbuster: Reverse Sexism And Heterophobia
Monday, July 14, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Mythbuster: Gloveless Love
I've been gone far too long, enjoying my Fuck All Y'All Week, and to make up for lost time I thought I start with one of my favorite features: Sexual Mythbusters.
I don't know which side of this counts as the myth. To me, the myth that needs debunking is that, obviously and as a matter of course, everyone uses condoms, every time they have sex, unless they're in a basically serious relationship. Well, wrong. Because it turns out that a whole bunch of guys labor under the mistaken belief that it is okay to have unprotected sex EVEN ON A ONE-NIGHT STAND.
So, yeah: not okay.
Fortunately, the news that people think this surprises many. Neighbor Steve was SHOCKED when I told him the story of the Kiwi pick-up who asked how many condoms I had on me and was clearly dismayed when I told him I had five--he'd apparently been hoping to outlast my supply, like I'd be unable to resist and would yield to his nude yet latex-free allure. As Steve said, appalled: "No offense, but he doesn't know where you've been!"
None taken. I'd thought the exact same thing.
I am sort of pleased with myself that I've almost never been tempted. I've only done it once, with a guy I'd been seeing a month or two who'd been tested recently. (Another time, after unwittingly smoking hash*, I came really close but we quickly thought better of it.) One time a guy ASKED if I wanted him to use a condom, and I seriously considered never fucking him again--it said to me that he often DIDN'T use protection, and was possibly diseased, and after all condoms break so maybe I shouldn't risk that. He did, however, have a semi-legit excuse for asking--his dick was really big and the condoms were uncomfortable, he had trouble even getting them on. So the next time he brought Magnums and we were fine. One time this guy wanted to go bare, and I had the excellent excuse (not that an excuse is necessary) of not even being on the Pill that month, and he said, "I can pull out." I actually said, "You know better than that." He laughed, had to concede that he totally did know better, and that was the end of that subject.
But seriously dudes, what gives? Forget even about being considerate--can you REALLY not know at this point that your lady friend might have something you'd rather not share? Especially if you just met her! Wrap that shit up!
My good friend Sojourner recently told this tale of moronitude: a guy not only tried to put a "P in [her] V without a C**" but THEN, when asked to get tested, said "Where would I do that?" !!!Exclamation!!! There are dudes going around fucking without a net who DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET TESTED. WTfuckingF?
Ladies, are you allowing this psychotic behavior? Even if we think disease will never happen to us (and BOY are we wrong, btw), I always say: "You know what would be really bad? If I got pregnant. Wouldn't we rather I just, yknow, DIDN'T get pregnant?" Or AIDS, or syphillis, or what the hell ever else. Here's another way to look at it: Ribbed condoms are awesome. Imagine if your bike helmet actually made riding MORE FUN!
Great. Now I want to have sex. Thanks guys.
*I'd thought it was just pot, and did NOT understand why I was so sick the next day. But yeah, remember those old commercials about drug use leading to unprotected sex-- "Get High, Get Stupid, Get AIDS?" After the hash incident I got what they were saying.
**Making "PVC" my new euphemism for sex--namely, protected sex, which is the only kind I'll be having any time soon.
Monday, February 4, 2008
MythENFORCER: Ribbed For Your Pleasure!
Rather than busting any myths today, I'd like to whole-heartedly endorse one: ribbed condoms are awesome.
I know, I was skeptical too. But that is the magic of RA bags, and of dating someone who works for Health Services so you get one all to yourself--variety! I did not imagine that those little ribs would actually make a difference, but I happened to pull one out of my stockpile one day, and...wow. I'm now sort of addicted.
I'm guessing they don't work for everyone. If what's INSIDE the condom is on the small or large end of the spectrum, you probably won't feel much, and if lubrication is scarce, they can be a little uncomfortable--but then if lubrication is scarce, the whole enterprise is gonna be a little uncomfortable, so that's hardly the condom's fault. These days my ideal condom is the combination ribbed-and-thin variety, so everyone gets a little something extra.
Hooray! That is all.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Mythbuster: U.S. Off Of My Clitoris!
I just now went on a bit about Betty Dodson. One aspect of her Bust column that particularly irks me (other than an aforementioned anatomical nick-name) is her dismissal of vaginal orgasms. Maureen Dowd, too, talks about women trying to have "male orgasms"--ie, vaginal orgasms, achieved purely through penetration. Dodson, more so than Dowd*, seems to have flipped things over, implying that if vaginal orgasms are "male," clitoral orgasms are "female."
I'll tell you a story. Freshman year I separated my shoulder (yay rugby!) and went to the hospital. I think this put me on some kind of list. Two separate times, I got a call from a man claiming to be from that hospital, wanting me to be part of a Kinsey-esque survey about my sexuality. Honestly, I have no idea if he was legit, and he said one or two things that seemed unprofessional or weird**. But I realized I didn't much care--you may not have realized this about me, but I don't mind talking about sex. (I have to actually think someone is interested, but if there's no fear of TMI I can go on about such things forever.) One thing annoyed me, though: he made me choose between clitoral and vaginal stimulation. At first I refused to make Sophie's Choice, but he pressed and I reluctantly had to go with clitoral. Which I guess is true IN THAT I can get off from solely-clitoral play more reliably than solely-vaginal play. BUT I think I maybe prefer penetration, once I've been warmed up. (TMI? Just checking.) On the subject of how to tell a guy how to get you off, one Six Feet Under character put it pithily: "Lick my clit while you finger me." And few people can argue. But how many women are content to stop there? Don't most straight women still want some train-in-tunnel action?
Thus, the myth: that ANY kind of orgasm is superior to ANY OTHER kind of orgasm. So, it's a myth that, in every case, oral pleases the woman while penetration pleases the man, and it's a myth that a woman who can't come from penetration is somehow sexually remedial. Come on, people, we gotta depoliticize this shit. One of the reasons feminists tend to hate on Freud is that he derided clitoral arousal as neurotic (his thinking being, the clitoris is like the penis, so women who prefer clitoral stimulation just haven't resolved their penis envy). But is it any less tyrannical to flip that around?
To return to Bust, every issue contains a "One-Handed Read," ie a short piece of erotica intended as masturbation fodder. Sometimes, these stories involve a man going down on a woman and asking nothing in return. Which is the fantasy of many, to be sure, but it leaves me cold. "Needs more cock," I say to myself, as though tasting a soup. I mean, I've got lady parts on hand at all times--have clit, will travel. If you're painting me a word-picture...you gotta throw me a bone.
(Badum-ching.)
*Quoth Maureen, "I think it took a really long time for women to realize that the superior kind [of orgasm] is the kind you can actually have."
**For example, upon learning I masturbated regularly, he concluded that my sex life "wasn't doing it" for me. Which is bizarre coming from a guy--don't y'all famously masturbate no matter what? And I believe statistics show that people in relationships jerk off more than single people, regardless of gender, so you'd think someone doing a survey would know that.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Mythbuster? Menstrual Edition.
This week's myth is another doesn't-apply-to-everyone kind of myth. Tell me what you think:
Period sex.
(And I don't mean screwing in Elizabethan garb.)
In the words of Vincent Chase, "It's not something I hope for, but I've done it." Now, some women don't enjoy sex during their period--things do get sensitive, after all, and cramps aren't exactly an aphrodisiac. Some women particularly like it--more lubrication, it can actually help cramps, and sometimes the hormones make a girl randier. But a lot of guys assume that blood on the field stops all play.
I tend to agree with Vince. It's something to work around, but not necessarily a problem. I wouldn't expect a guy to go down during those red-letter days*, but there's actually little interference when it comes to intercourse. So, the myth is that menstruation always means Do Not Enter. I encourage guys to be open minded, and to get laid!
*Ugh, no more well-worn euphemisms, I promise.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Mythbuster #3: [Insert cheesy euphemism for pubic hair]
This is not quite a straight-out Mythbuster, because the truth? I don't know what guys like*. All I know is, I am pretty riled up over the subject of the bikini wax. I'd thought we were finally starting to hit a backlash against the whole 'landing strip' thing, and now Time Out New York has an oh-so-cute little article making it sound de rigeur. HOWEVER, they neglect to actually ANALYZE their own little infographic:
Friday, September 28, 2007
Mythbuster #2: The Big Question
Does size matter?
I could make a joke about how yes, as a 38C I need a lot of support, or something like that, but y'all know what I'm talking about. Penis size is one of the concerns that makes me glad I'm a girl, because it seems to be so pernicious with so many guys--it might be the hardest insecurity to shake, and society is CONSTANTLY reinforcing it. Of course, I tell this to female friends and they give me a variant of, "Oh poor babies that they're given ONE physical insecurity, BOO HOO." But I digress. Probably I'll get a lot of comments on this post, so good! I'd love you to weigh in, as always. But for me there is only one answer:
Of course size matters. It's just not the only thing that matters. Not by a long shot.
It's only rational--how could it not matter? As in, obviously it has an effect. But it's just one of the many things that might or might not have an effect. I don't usually notice, unless we're talking extremes--I'm about as likely to notice size as I am to notice, say, vocality(?) or roughness, things for which everyone has their own taste. My feeling, in general, is that bigger is NOT better. Too wide is painful one way, too long painful another way. (As in, Ouch, that's my cervix.) And perhaps most importantly, a larger size makes oral sex much less pleasurable--or even feasible! If I have trouble getting the condom on, I'm probably not going down as eagerly. And let's not forget about anal, either. So, I like my men how I like my tops from H&M--medium. We all like to feel full, but not like we're being force-fed Thanksgiving dinner*.
If you're on the smaller side? Do not despair. Almost every woman has a story about that small-in-the-game guy who was the best lay she'd ever had. The street wisdom is that men who aren't that "cocky" go the extra mile. A LOT of women can't climax just from penetration, and are hugely grateful for a guy who spends time on foreplay and oral sex, and develops those techniques instead of resting on his laurels.
Granted, some women (and gay men) disagree. But when it comes to nuts and bolts, I'd say that most people are less picky than you'd expect.
*Not sure how I feel about this metaphor but we'll give it a whirl.
Mythbusters is now officially a Friday regular. We'll see if I can keep it up. So to speak.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Mythbusters: Sexual Edition
[Possibly a recurring series?]
This is not really apropos of anything in my life right this second, but I've dealt with it in the past and some of my friends are dealing with it right now, so I've been annoyed about it lately:
Myth #1: Men like to have sex more than women.
WTF, boys? Could this PLEASE be true? I'm not a big dater, but in all of my relationships, I want to have sex more often than the guy. Why do boys diagnose you with nymphomania* if you want to have sex more than once a week? (Seriously. More than ONCE A WEEK is often a problem.) Here are some possible explanations for this phenomenon:
-Men think that sex needs to take forever. But this, of course, depends on the girl. Some of us (ahem) have orgasms more easily than others, and will beat you to the finish line. Some of us don't even necessarily need the orgasm every time. The word "quickie" seems a little too Cosmo for my taste, but you get the idea.
-Women need to be on top more. All that thrusting and kneeling and the missionary push-ups probably take a toll, but guys--you can let us do the work now and then! Other things to consider: fingers and tongues. I mean come on, you learned this in middle school.
-Boredom? Must find new bear to kill?
-We're fat.
Of course, a myth is a myth--maybe guys don't have a particular reason and some just aren't wired to have sex more than once a week. Also, I know that this does not remotely apply to all men out there. My point: coital laziness leads to frustration and self-doubt. Do what you gotta do, but please don't make us feel like freaks for having healthy sex drives.
*Especially since nymphomania was eliminated as a valid diagnosis in 1994, when the DSM-IV came out. Psych major in the house!
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