Mythbuster: U.S. Off Of My Clitoris!

I just now went on a bit about Betty Dodson. One aspect of her Bust column that particularly irks me (other than an aforementioned anatomical nick-name) is her dismissal of vaginal orgasms. Maureen Dowd, too, talks about women trying to have "male orgasms"--ie, vaginal orgasms, achieved purely through penetration. Dodson, more so than Dowd*, seems to have flipped things over, implying that if vaginal orgasms are "male," clitoral orgasms are "female."

I'll tell you a story. Freshman year I separated my shoulder (yay rugby!) and went to the hospital. I think this put me on some kind of list. Two separate times, I got a call from a man claiming to be from that hospital, wanting me to be part of a Kinsey-esque survey about my sexuality. Honestly, I have no idea if he was legit, and he said one or two things that seemed unprofessional or weird**. But I realized I didn't much care--you may not have realized this about me, but I don't mind talking about sex. (I have to actually think someone is interested, but if there's no fear of TMI I can go on about such things forever.) One thing annoyed me, though: he made me choose between clitoral and vaginal stimulation. At first I refused to make Sophie's Choice, but he pressed and I reluctantly had to go with clitoral. Which I guess is true IN THAT I can get off from solely-clitoral play more reliably than solely-vaginal play. BUT I think I maybe prefer penetration, once I've been warmed up. (TMI? Just checking.) On the subject of how to tell a guy how to get you off, one Six Feet Under character put it pithily: "Lick my clit while you finger me." And few people can argue. But how many women are content to stop there? Don't most straight women still want some train-in-tunnel action?

Thus, the myth: that ANY kind of orgasm is superior to ANY OTHER kind of orgasm. So, it's a myth that, in every case, oral pleases the woman while penetration pleases the man, and it's a myth that a woman who can't come from penetration is somehow sexually remedial. Come on, people, we gotta depoliticize this shit. One of the reasons feminists tend to hate on Freud is that he derided clitoral arousal as neurotic (his thinking being, the clitoris is like the penis, so women who prefer clitoral stimulation just haven't resolved their penis envy). But is it any less tyrannical to flip that around?

To return to Bust, every issue contains a "One-Handed Read," ie a short piece of erotica intended as masturbation fodder. Sometimes, these stories involve a man going down on a woman and asking nothing in return. Which is the fantasy of many, to be sure, but it leaves me cold. "Needs more cock," I say to myself, as though tasting a soup. I mean, I've got lady parts on hand at all times--have clit, will travel. If you're painting me a word-picture...you gotta throw me a bone.

(Badum-ching.)


*Quoth Maureen, "I think it took a really long time for women to realize that the superior kind [of orgasm] is the kind you can actually have."
**For example, upon learning I masturbated regularly, he concluded that my sex life "wasn't doing it" for me. Which is bizarre coming from a guy--don't y'all famously masturbate no matter what? And I believe statistics show that people in relationships jerk off more than single people, regardless of gender, so you'd think someone doing a survey would know that.

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Male Feminist of the Week! "You'll Probably Hate Me" Edition

I know you've been wondering all weekend: who will be this week's Male Feminist? I know your game. Constantly refreshing your web browser in the hopes I might post early, setting up office pools as to who the lucky fellow would be. Well, your long painful wait is over! The newest Male Feminist of the Week is...

This guy:

I know, I know, I know: What??? Freud???

Simmer down now.

So, yes, there was the whole "penis envy" thing, the "masculinity complex," the unfortunate "women who like clitoral stimulation are neurotic" theory. But this is what I've always held: Freud did great things for women. Like all people who are ahead of their time, Freud was still a product of his time--back in his day, even concepts of female anatomywere phallocentric and inaccurate, with diagrams of the uterus and ovaries looking like an inverted penis and testicles [trying to find an image; not doing so well]. My main point has always been this: Freud pioneered the radical idea that maybe someone should start talking to women. Asking them questions! Ascribing value to their thoughts and feelings! Figuring out why they had the troubles that they had*! Most of his patients were women, and he respected their pain. Even more progressively, he convinced the Western world that women had natural sexual desires that were as healthy and vital as men's**.

Freud got a lot wrong about women. Freud, frankly, said a lot crazy shit. But he was inventing a new way of looking at life, and was bound to fuck up a little. And he also admitted that in order for the world to truly understand female sexuality, we would have to wait for the female psychoanalysts. He knew he had shortcomings. And his shortcomings were far outweighed by the attention he paid to a long-ignored gender.

It's hip to hate on Freud, especially in our generation. I think most people who hate on him know little about him. There are certainly things in his oeuvre to roll your eyes at, but he took major steps forward in terms of Western culture's understanding of the female gender. He is my homeboy. I hope he will be yours.


*For heaven's sake, women were running around smelling burnt pudding that wasn't there!
**He also was insistent that homosexuality is innate, incurable, totally healthy and in general peachy keen, which was good for men and women alike. ("It is a great injustice to persecute homosexuality as a crime, and cruelty too.")

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