Mythbuster: Gloveless Love

I've been gone far too long, enjoying my Fuck All Y'All Week, and to make up for lost time I thought I start with one of my favorite features: Sexual Mythbusters.

I don't know which side of this counts as the myth. To me, the myth that needs debunking is that, obviously and as a matter of course, everyone uses condoms, every time they have sex, unless they're in a basically serious relationship. Well, wrong. Because it turns out that a whole bunch of guys labor under the mistaken belief that it is okay to have unprotected sex EVEN ON A ONE-NIGHT STAND.

So, yeah: not okay.

Fortunately, the news that people think this surprises many. Neighbor Steve was SHOCKED when I told him the story of the Kiwi pick-up who asked how many condoms I had on me and was clearly dismayed when I told him I had five--he'd apparently been hoping to outlast my supply, like I'd be unable to resist and would yield to his nude yet latex-free allure. As Steve said, appalled: "No offense, but he doesn't know where you've been!"

None taken. I'd thought the exact same thing.

I am sort of pleased with myself that I've almost never been tempted. I've only done it once, with a guy I'd been seeing a month or two who'd been tested recently. (Another time, after unwittingly smoking hash*, I came really close but we quickly thought better of it.) One time a guy ASKED if I wanted him to use a condom, and I seriously considered never fucking him again--it said to me that he often DIDN'T use protection, and was possibly diseased, and after all condoms break so maybe I shouldn't risk that. He did, however, have a semi-legit excuse for asking--his dick was really big and the condoms were uncomfortable, he had trouble even getting them on. So the next time he brought Magnums and we were fine. One time this guy wanted to go bare, and I had the excellent excuse (not that an excuse is necessary) of not even being on the Pill that month, and he said, "I can pull out." I actually said, "You know better than that." He laughed, had to concede that he totally did know better, and that was the end of that subject.

But seriously dudes, what gives? Forget even about being considerate--can you REALLY not know at this point that your lady friend might have something you'd rather not share? Especially if you just met her! Wrap that shit up!

My good friend Sojourner recently told this tale of moronitude: a guy not only tried to put a "P in [her] V without a C**" but THEN, when asked to get tested, said "Where would I do that?" !!!Exclamation!!! There are dudes going around fucking without a net who DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET TESTED. WTfuckingF?

Ladies, are you allowing this psychotic behavior? Even if we think disease will never happen to us (and BOY are we wrong, btw), I always say: "You know what would be really bad? If I got pregnant. Wouldn't we rather I just, yknow, DIDN'T get pregnant?" Or AIDS, or syphillis, or what the hell ever else. Here's another way to look at it: Ribbed condoms are awesome. Imagine if your bike helmet actually made riding MORE FUN!

Great. Now I want to have sex. Thanks guys.


*I'd thought it was just pot, and did NOT understand why I was so sick the next day. But yeah, remember those old commercials about drug use leading to unprotected sex-- "Get High, Get Stupid, Get AIDS?" After the hash incident I got what they were saying.
**Making "PVC" my new euphemism for sex--namely, protected sex, which is the only kind I'll be having any time soon.