Make Love, Not Domestic Cold War

Feministing is standing firmly against this article in the (British) Times Online. The article, by "sex expert" Dr. Pam Spurr, contends that women who think they can just not ever have sex with their partners if they don't feel like it are ruining their relationships. Feministing is, of course, upholding the ever-embattled truth that a woman's sexuality belongs to that woman and no one else. But I think we need to give this article a fair shake. Feministing says, "Forget working out whatever issues are making you not want to have sex in the first place. Better that you just shut up and put out as to not piss off your hubby" (original emphasis). But really, the article agrees: "The solution is to take a holistic approach to a relationship and understand that every part of it – careers, finances, family issues, sex – needs nurturing and understanding... Never be bullied into sexual activity that turns you off or be pressured into sex that doesn’t satisfy you. But always be prepared to discuss your feelings and desires and listen to his."

My parents raised me to believe that sex is what keeps a marriage together, so perhaps I'm biased. But the article makes a spot-on point: we have no qualms about blaming a man when he stops wanting to have sex, so we should equally feel that the woman has some sort of responsibility to her partner. Spurr isn't saying, "women must have sex whenever their husbands want it, no matter what, or else they'll be deserted and alone!!!" She's saying that you can't just stop having sex altogether, for months, without talking about it, and expect your partner to be satisfied--whatever your gender is. It's nothing Dan Savage hasn't said time and time again.

So, while I agree that likening sex to taking out the trash is not the best way to get couples screwing again, I think we need to cut this woman some slack.