A Traitor To My People

My people, of course, being third-wave pro-sex feminist women. I say specifically women because, well, this post is about my vagina. Namely: the fact that I don't know it that well. My vulva and I are good friends, but the inside stuff is more of a mystery.

This came to my attention recently because my roommate uses Instead cups rather than tampons*. She offered me some to try, and, at least six months later, the box is still sitting on my dresser, untouched. Frankly, I'm afraid that if I use one I won't be able to get it out. I mean, Carrie Bradshaw's diaphragm got stuck once, and she's used to using one!

I admit it, I'm a little squeamish down there. I masturbate a lot**, but I generally use vibrators or massage shower heads or that Vibrance razor I once bought because I was going on vacation and that's all CVS had left***. I also usually use some sort of penetrative device (I hate the word "dildo"), but I rarely use my fingers. My hand simply does not arouse me--plus it's hard to focus on giving pleasure and receiving pleasure at the same time**** and it distracts from the process worrying about my own prowess. No one wants to worry they're bad in bed while they're in bed with just themselves.

It's a chicken-and-egg thing: do I not masturbate with my fingers because I'm squeamish, or am I squeamish because I don't masturbate with my fingers? Whichever the reason, it makes me feel kind of bad. I'm supposed to be a proponent of vagina power. And I am. But a Good Feminist should know her own anatomy, right? Female genitals are, culturally, regarded as very mysterious--a sort of sexual Rubik's Cube. And it's true I get off pretty easily, and only need to explain so much to my gentleman callers, but what about my lady callers? If I don't even interact directly with my clitoris that often, leaving it up to something inanimate, how do I effectively please a girl?

In short, and to be blunt, I wish I were more comfortable sticking my fingers inside myself. For reasons both practical and theoretical. Perhaps that will be my Second Half of the Year's resolution.


PS: I know I haven't posted in forever. I tried to make up for it with extra footnotes.


*She gave me permission to say this on my blog. Though that was awhile ago so I hope she remembers.
**You're shocked.
***It worked! Though it required some will power. I removed the blade, obviously.
****The 69 position? Overrated. Not bad, just a little silly.