She Brings Home The Bacon, He Fries It In A Pan

Please excuse my long absence guys--I've had tonsillitis! Yes, I am almost 26 years old and have tonsillitis for the first time. I got to hear my doctor use words like "necrotic" and "foul-smelling" in reference to things in the back of my throat. Fun! Anyway.

This week's advice-themed Time Out New York has a mini-article on how our parents' relationship teaches us what we know about love. (Sounds obvious, but whatever, it's like half a page.) My first reaction to this, as always was, "What did my parents teach me about marriage? That sex is what keeps it together." They didn't teach me this by example (I don't even know what that would entail, but it sounds pretty scarring), they taught me this by saying it, repeatedly, over the course of my life. I think it makes total sense--if you're gonna fight about things like finances and in-laws, there's gotta be some incentive to patch things up in a timely manner.

But then I remembered a conversation I had with my mom semi-recently, when I told her about my "going dutch" post. Since shortly after September 11th, when law firm he worked for closed its doors, my dad's been self-employed and working from home. This has had an unimaginably positive impact on my dad*, but also on my parents' marriage. The big thing was that he took over the cooking almost entirely. My mom had done the bulk for about 20 years, but it turns out my dad not only loves to cook, he's awesome at it. He's a real gourmet, he loves ingredients, he loves shopping for quality food.

All this I knew. What my mom pointed out to me, which I hadn't realized before, is that my dad is actually in semi-retirement. He'll take on a case, and it might take a year or two, and if he wins that winds up being about15% of my mom's salary. My mom, you see, is for the first time in her life, "making what [she] would make if [she] were a man." Apparently, they sometimes joke that he's her househusband.

I am not conflicted about this. My dad is 65 years old and worked hard all his life. This semi-retirement wasn't quite planned, it just worked out well. I'm not sure my mom would be happy that way--she isn't, either. (She envisions herself someday dropping dead in the middle of a conference call.) I'm tempted to muse over, "Is that what it takes for a happy marriage?" But I know better. They were happy beforehand, just more stressed--it's not secret that, for the bulk of our lives, we work hard and are under a lot of strain, and then if we're lucky we get to enjoy our latter years in relative relaxation. But I do wonder about the model my parents have set. I always assumed-slash-hoped I would end up much like my mom...which presented a problem because I, like her, loathe cooking. It's no coincidence that, before my family went on a health kick in 2001, we ordered in or ate out 2-3 times a week. Now when they order in it's because my mom worked late. So the question is, will I be able to find a husband** who will cook for me?

And that, my friends, is the real American Dream.


*He got a dog!
**[cough]at all[cough]